The Moronist

Hello Human beings, I think it’s time to tell you about a magazine I recently had the (sarcastic) pleasure to peruse, it’s called Palm Beach Illustrated (just like sports illustrated but replace Sports with Palm Beach) It, like many other frou-frou magazines, is about 90% ads, but I have to say when you get this niche-y, the ads get even more insular and hilarious. This is the ad I would imagine them having in the next few months,

“Only read if you’re extremely wealthy or have really good credit…
Imagine if you will a world where crystal encrusted toilets are common. Imagine if you will, that this toilet is especially difficult to keep up. Even better for you cause you can feel great knowing that you pay someone pennies to clean said toilet and to fix the hangy thing on it occasionally. Buy this toilet from us. We won’t tell you the price unless you call us up and give us an idea of how much money you have (or think you have). Thanks for reading or having this advertisement read to you. -PriceyPoopers.org (fake site).”

And on a related, funnier cause it’s true note, check out this news on John Thain, former head of Merrill Lynch who spent $35,000 on a commode. Linky Link..

So by now, the 7 of you reading this blog have seen the “I’m On A Boat” video from SNL (see below), but how many of you agree with me that this is a bit of a rip off “Boats ‘N Hoes” from the little known indie feature Step Brothers? (see below-er):

I could be wrong, but I see some striking similarities. (Just cause Jonathan Charles Riley and William Gates Ferrell can’t afford to have a celebrity like T-Pain in their Video, it doesn’t mean their idea wasn’t fantastic and hilarial. I just feel that it’d be like making a movie about a son taking a road-trip selling autoparts for his dad’s business and calling it Tammy Boy. (warning crude language below):

Improvements to post below coming soon. Love, TM

Trojan Condoms… Why are they named after a people predominantly known for having some of the worst defenses in history? These folks let a massive object enter their gates only to be obliterated by its contents.

More  ideas:

- Don’t hate la Playa, hate the litter!

- Woman says Beetlejuice 3 times and just gets punched in the face.

- Man says racist joke around friends and realizes not everyone is a horrible person like he is.

- Twitter-er tries to shorten the word “a” and implodes.

- 24-year-old man shot in neck with actual blowdart at improv comedy show.

- And Finally… Chelsea Clinton thinks hospital is named after her, when really it’s just named after the two neighborhoods it services.

Thank you young man for making me feel like middle school, high school, college, and even thinking about grad school was all a waste, once a maroon always a maroon.

This Kid from Singapore, made his own painting application for the iPhone, and it’s actually decent!

I know I’m a week late on this news, but I’m on moron time… see more-on that below.

By the way, another example of moron time would be this. I just found out that a lady spilled McDonald’s coffee on her crotch in 1992. Her name was Stella Liebeck and did you know she was 79 years old when this happened? Also of note, she was wearing cotton sweatpants, which begs the question for her and Plaxico Burress… “Why not just avoid the sweatpants when handling hot or gunny substances.”

Make another blog entry today. You had something amazing and pressing to write. Maybe discuss the vintage-ity of Facebook and how cool you feel being a non-Twittering luddite.

Dear Fellow Morons,

What the duck are we doing with our lives?  I meant that more as a statement than a question, but I regress.  And by regress I mean digest.  Oh btw, check out this random link that I’ll pick after I’ve written this sentence.

not actually interesting

Until next time, keep yourselves more honest.

Lav,

The Moronist

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Hey Morasses,

I couldn’t help but write a whole nother (term we all love, eh?), petit novella before I hit the hay… So here goes, if a snake swallows an egg in the forest alone, does anybody hear?

Day 3, and by that I mean the same hour as my first three posts:

Carbon monoxide: the silent killer? Maybe. Or was that a stroke? Or is it that mime who got put away for killing 34 people last week?

From,
Mron

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Dear A-Rod,

Welcome to the site!!!

Love,
The moronist

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America runs on Dunkin? More like America runs on oil and the blood of innocent people, am I right I mean am I? No but seriously folks, we do we use a lot of oil don’t we?

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Dear PSH (as in Philip Seymour Hoffman),

Nothing bad to say about you!

Love,

M

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Funny possible marriage names:

Hakeem Olajuwon and Steven Hawking:
Steven Olajuwon

Bill Bryson and Ted Kaczynski:
Bill and Ted Brsyky

Mozart and Jackson Pollack:
Genius

Bjork and Ray Borque:
Bjork Borque

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Dear Perez Hilton,

I called. I want your viewers.

The moronist

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Dear Diarrhea,

Stop visiting.

Love,

Mor

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Dear Deer,

Sorry I hit you.

TM

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Dear dentist who made a joke about me being dropped on my head when I was a kid… Not funny. I hate you.

Love,

Me

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Dear New York building owners,

Stop raising your rent for good small businesses and opening up banks. I don’t have a punchline for this and I’m not a comedian, I’m a moron like everyone else, but even I know we need cheap food more than banks at a time like this.

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Dear Couples That Break Up,

Don’t make your friends choose sides, if we liked you both while you were dating, accept that as the only thing that was ever real in your relationship and move on.

Love,

Moro

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And now for a moment of thought,

Moron flipped is norom.

Coincidence? I think so.