The Moronist

You guys, I have to tell you about what happened at the mall today. C, T, and I were by the Cinnabon, just relaxing as usual. When Bill Gunningson showed up… he looked so tall and thin (as usual), and he totally offered to give us a ride home. But I was like, “No, I’m cool,” cause I knew that’d only make him like me more. Anyway after that we went over to Spencer’s Gifts and bought some fake slime and candy cigarettes, and I totally flirted with the guy at the register. Then my mom picked us up and we watched Family Matters till about 930pm (Eddie Winslow is so a guy I’d date especially if i could wear his varsity jacket (lol). But anyway, now here I am, wondering if Bill will page me anytime soon or if I’m going to have to do the “talk to him before he talks to me route” (so dreading that).

Ok you guys, I have to get to bed, but have a great night and love you all,

Me

The Trojan Condom post below made it on to a late night talk show! Yay. Love- Moron

Hello Human beings, I think it’s time to tell you about a magazine I recently had the (sarcastic) pleasure to peruse, it’s called Palm Beach Illustrated (just like sports illustrated but replace Sports with Palm Beach) It, like many other frou-frou magazines, is about 90% ads, but I have to say when you get this niche-y, the ads get even more insular and hilarious. This is the ad I would imagine them having in the next few months,

“Only read if you’re extremely wealthy or have really good credit…
Imagine if you will a world where crystal encrusted toilets are common. Imagine if you will, that this toilet is especially difficult to keep up. Even better for you cause you can feel great knowing that you pay someone pennies to clean said toilet and to fix the hangy thing on it occasionally. Buy this toilet from us. We won’t tell you the price unless you call us up and give us an idea of how much money you have (or think you have). Thanks for reading or having this advertisement read to you. -PriceyPoopers.org (fake site).”

And on a related, funnier cause it’s true note, check out this news on John Thain, former head of Merrill Lynch who spent $35,000 on a commode. Linky Link..

So by now, the 7 of you reading this blog have seen the “I’m On A Boat” video from SNL (see below), but how many of you agree with me that this is a bit of a rip off “Boats ‘N Hoes” from the little known indie feature Step Brothers? (see below-er):

I could be wrong, but I see some striking similarities. (Just cause Jonathan Charles Riley and William Gates Ferrell can’t afford to have a celebrity like T-Pain in their Video, it doesn’t mean their idea wasn’t fantastic and hilarial. I just feel that it’d be like making a movie about a son taking a road-trip selling autoparts for his dad’s business and calling it Tammy Boy. (warning crude language below):

Improvements to post below coming soon. Love, TM

Trojan Condoms… Why are they named after a people predominantly known for having some of the worst defenses in history? These folks let a massive object enter their gates only to be obliterated by its contents.

More  ideas:

- Don’t hate la Playa, hate the litter!

- Woman says Beetlejuice 3 times and just gets punched in the face.

- Man says racist joke around friends and realizes not everyone is a horrible person like he is.

- Twitter-er tries to shorten the word “a” and implodes.

- 24-year-old man shot in neck with actual blowdart at improv comedy show.

- And Finally… Chelsea Clinton thinks hospital is named after her, when really it’s just named after the two neighborhoods it services.

Thank you young man for making me feel like middle school, high school, college, and even thinking about grad school was all a waste, once a maroon always a maroon.

This Kid from Singapore, made his own painting application for the iPhone, and it’s actually decent!

I know I’m a week late on this news, but I’m on moron time… see more-on that below.

By the way, another example of moron time would be this. I just found out that a lady spilled McDonald’s coffee on her crotch in 1992. Her name was Stella Liebeck and did you know she was 79 years old when this happened? Also of note, she was wearing cotton sweatpants, which begs the question for her and Plaxico Burress… “Why not just avoid the sweatpants when handling hot or gunny substances.”

I’m new to this whole blog thing, but I’m not new to this whole internet thing… and I’m used to going to pages, and having them give me information, new information, every 3-8 hours.

So when I came to TheMoronist.com tonight and discovered that nothing had changed… I remembered a classic line from Titanic, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Now I must fill said void with love and affection. Or maybe just another random cartoon:

For those who can’t read moronic handwriting… Wife: Honey! Did you shit the bed?
Mr. Ecomony: … .

fin