The Moronist

NYT – April 1st, 2009 – Milwaukee, Mississippi. by Gunt Robertson. It turns out the Great Depression began when Milt Downowitz started acting all negative back in 1924. He stopped working years before the economy took a turn for the worse, and a chief economist at the Carolina Administrative Savings Hub or C.A.S.H. agreed: “There is no question in my mind: the existence of Milt Downowitz caused the Great Depression.” Not only that, a researcher at C.A.S.H. found that Milt’s great-grandson Malt Downowitz may have single-handedly burst the dot-com bubble. Malt broke up with his High School sweetheart in late 2000. He is also most likely responsible for the current global recession, due to his post-graduate meltdown in 2008 when he sadly realized he wasn’t good for much except for playing Rock Band.
Rumors of the Downowitz family curse caught the attention of Historians at the Oxford school of Historianization. They found traces of the Downowitz’s lineage to the Crisis of the Third Century (an early hint of the Roman Empire’s imminent collapse). Said historian Mark Gorvil, “We found a family living in Rome at the time, and they were all pretty sad, I believe the master of the household was named Meurto Downomini.”

Just for the doubters… the NY MTA, does have a schedule, they just don’t live up to it… click link for schedule

Please comment if you like.

NYT- Tuesday 8:53am- New York. Phillip Buckberm was shot in the neck with a doughnut early this morning at a local coffee shop on 2nd avenue and 10th street. He sustained a doughnut-type bruise on his neck, and a temporary bump in his blood sugar level (from eating the aforementioned donut).

 
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In other news, a couple that met on E-Harmony ended up totally hating each other (contrary to what their advertisements will have you believe).

I’m sick and tired of people saying, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Here are a few examples of things that don’t kill you but really weaken you quite a bit…

1) Not Weight Lifting

2) Online scrabble; I have played way to many games of this and have not gotten much better at all. Instead of getting stronger… I have just learned a bunch of 2 letter words and words that start with Q and Z, without learning their definitions. Not only this, I am now the douche that kicks ass at scrabble and makes it not fun.

3) Paper Routes through a Swarm of Bees. That does make you stronger, (unless you’re the boy from the movie my girl – then it does kill you).

The Trojan Condom post below made it on to a late night talk show! Yay. Love- Moron