The Moronist

NYT – April 1st, 2009 – Milwaukee, Mississippi. by Gunt Robertson. It turns out the Great Depression began when Milt Downowitz started acting all negative back in 1924. He stopped working years before the economy took a turn for the worse, and a chief economist at the Carolina Administrative Savings Hub or C.A.S.H. agreed: “There is no question in my mind: the existence of Milt Downowitz caused the Great Depression.” Not only that, a researcher at C.A.S.H. found that Milt’s great-grandson Malt Downowitz may have single-handedly burst the dot-com bubble. Malt broke up with his High School sweetheart in late 2000. He is also most likely responsible for the current global recession, due to his post-graduate meltdown in 2008 when he sadly realized he wasn’t good for much except for playing Rock Band.
Rumors of the Downowitz family curse caught the attention of Historians at the Oxford school of Historianization. They found traces of the Downowitz’s lineage to the Crisis of the Third Century (an early hint of the Roman Empire’s imminent collapse). Said historian Mark Gorvil, “We found a family living in Rome at the time, and they were all pretty sad, I believe the master of the household was named Meurto Downomini.”

NYT- Tuesday 8:53am- New York. Phillip Buckberm was shot in the neck with a doughnut early this morning at a local coffee shop on 2nd avenue and 10th street. He sustained a doughnut-type bruise on his neck, and a temporary bump in his blood sugar level (from eating the aforementioned donut).

 
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In other news, a couple that met on E-Harmony ended up totally hating each other (contrary to what their advertisements will have you believe).

“Slumdog Millionaire“ – The Story of Leona Helmsley’s dog, “Trouble,” and her climb from a litter of ten to the top of the dog world. Linky.

“Frost/Nixon“ – They took a Cynthia Nixon bio-pic and the movie Jack Frost and edited them together.
Or it may be a remake of Anthony Hopkins’ Nixon with “*Nsync like” frosted tips.

“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” – A sequel to the book Corduroy, from the perspective of a button looking for his bear.

“The Reader” – A documentary about Sylvan Learning Center.

“Milk“ – Morgan Spurlock and Al Gore’s latest doc, on the effects of the over-lactization of the US and its subsequent methane effects.

And two bonuses:

“The Wrestler” – A prequel to “The Reader:” The story of a child grappling with the word “teh.”

“The Dark Knight.” – Martin Lawrence already did this movie, and it was called “Black Knight.” Nice try Chris Nolan, but it’s been done.

I’m sick and tired of people saying, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Here are a few examples of things that don’t kill you but really weaken you quite a bit…

1) Not Weight Lifting

2) Online scrabble; I have played way to many games of this and have not gotten much better at all. Instead of getting stronger… I have just learned a bunch of 2 letter words and words that start with Q and Z, without learning their definitions. Not only this, I am now the douche that kicks ass at scrabble and makes it not fun.

3) Paper Routes through a Swarm of Bees. That does make you stronger, (unless you’re the boy from the movie my girl – then it does kill you).

So by now, the 7 of you reading this blog have seen the “I’m On A Boat” video from SNL (see below), but how many of you agree with me that this is a bit of a rip off “Boats ‘N Hoes” from the little known indie feature Step Brothers? (see below-er):

I could be wrong, but I see some striking similarities. (Just cause Jonathan Charles Riley and William Gates Ferrell can’t afford to have a celebrity like T-Pain in their Video, it doesn’t mean their idea wasn’t fantastic and hilarial. I just feel that it’d be like making a movie about a son taking a road-trip selling autoparts for his dad’s business and calling it Tammy Boy. (warning crude language below):

Improvements to post below coming soon. Love, TM

Trojan Condoms… Why are they named after a people predominantly known for having some of the worst defenses in history? These folks let a massive object enter their gates only to be obliterated by its contents.

More  ideas:

– Don’t hate la Playa, hate the litter!

– Woman says Beetlejuice 3 times and just gets punched in the face.

– Man says racist joke around friends and realizes not everyone is a horrible person like he is.

– Twitter-er tries to shorten the word “a” and implodes.

– 24-year-old man shot in neck with actual blowdart at improv comedy show.

– And Finally… Chelsea Clinton thinks hospital is named after her, when really it’s just named after the two neighborhoods it services.