The Moronist

Eliot Spitzer was recently on The Today Show, where he was interviewed by Matt Lauer. During said interview Spitzer said “I have tried to address these gremlins and confront them. What I did was an egregious violation of trust to my family, to colleagues, to the state, and I paid a price and appropriately so.” Here’s an exclusive post-interview speech that The Moronist payed $30,000 for. Hope you enjoy:

NYT – March 25, 2009, Trenton, New Jersey. In these tough economic times, finally a slice of good news for fans of Bravo’s “Real Housewives” Series, made popular by its New York and Orange County editions. The show will go on, relocating the women from The Real Housewives of NYC to a new location, sunny-ish Trenton, New Jersey. Said Bravo executive Barry Uselessworth, “we’re ecstatic to have the show continue… even though the ladies have lost about 86% of their wealth and have had to downsize to basement rental apartments. The show is due to shoot in the safety of daylight, and follow the HWs while they’re going about their daily planning: shopping at Costco, being bitchy to each other while ordering half Grand Slams at Denny’s, and starting self pity charities so that they may keep their precious land rovers and diet coke fetishes rolling. The show is due to air Wednesdays in May, followed by another economically adjusted series, “Upper-Middle Chef, Secaucus.”

Especially those morons who like movies, and even more especially for Zach Galifianakis fans. A friend of a friend’s friend named BURT LOWENBRELLS produced this film and I think it’s fantastic… apparently they got a distribution deal which means, DVD soon!!!ish?

Anyway for now, just watch the trailer HERE, and enjoy. Or if you’re a websites pre-trailers type person, go HERE. If your name rhymes with KattMoff or KoyRoshy, you probably already know about this film.

-TM

Michelle Obama Attends St. Paddy’s Eve Ball In Sleeves-Only Dress

NY POST Washington D.C.- 3/16/09 11:53pm.
In a response to critics of her sleevelessness, Michelle Obama elected to wear a very interesting gown by unknown designer Bariio Farthinggalia. Said Farthinggalia, “Michelle chose to go sleeves-only ’cause she really wants to please the public and follow their advice.” This is a huge break for Farthinggalia, who was a production assistant on the last season of Project Runway Italy. Unfortunately for Barack fans, Page Six reports he wore a whole Brioni tuxedo.

You gotta give it up to the homeowner eh?

Yes it was dangerous, what he did, but pretty cool move. Reminds me of the playground antic, “You take my ball, I’ll date your cousin!”

COURTESY OF NPR. (For those without video here’s the story):
Morning Edition, February 16, 2009 · A Washington state man foiled the burglars in his house by stealing their getaway car. The Seattle Times reports that Patrick Rosario was in the basement when he heard somebody upstairs. He sneaked out of the house, and when he discovered a white van parked in front of his house with the motor running, he drove away in it. The burglars were forced to drop the TVs, computer and jewelry they were stealing and run away on foot.

Love,

Moron,

“Slumdog Millionaire“ – The Story of Leona Helmsley’s dog, “Trouble,” and her climb from a litter of ten to the top of the dog world. Linky.

“Frost/Nixon“ – They took a Cynthia Nixon bio-pic and the movie Jack Frost and edited them together.
Or it may be a remake of Anthony Hopkins’ Nixon with “*Nsync like” frosted tips.

“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” – A sequel to the book Corduroy, from the perspective of a button looking for his bear.

“The Reader” – A documentary about Sylvan Learning Center.

“Milk“ – Morgan Spurlock and Al Gore’s latest doc, on the effects of the over-lactization of the US and its subsequent methane effects.

And two bonuses:

“The Wrestler” – A prequel to “The Reader:” The story of a child grappling with the word “teh.”

“The Dark Knight.” – Martin Lawrence already did this movie, and it was called “Black Knight.” Nice try Chris Nolan, but it’s been done.

I’m sick and tired of people saying, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Here are a few examples of things that don’t kill you but really weaken you quite a bit…

1) Not Weight Lifting

2) Online scrabble; I have played way to many games of this and have not gotten much better at all. Instead of getting stronger… I have just learned a bunch of 2 letter words and words that start with Q and Z, without learning their definitions. Not only this, I am now the douche that kicks ass at scrabble and makes it not fun.

3) Paper Routes through a Swarm of Bees. That does make you stronger, (unless you’re the boy from the movie my girl – then it does kill you).