The Moronist

NYT – April 1st, 2009 – Milwaukee, Mississippi. by Gunt Robertson. It turns out the Great Depression began when Milt Downowitz started acting all negative back in 1924. He stopped working years before the economy took a turn for the worse, and a chief economist at the Carolina Administrative Savings Hub or C.A.S.H. agreed: “There is no question in my mind: the existence of Milt Downowitz caused the Great Depression.” Not only that, a researcher at C.A.S.H. found that Milt’s great-grandson Malt Downowitz may have single-handedly burst the dot-com bubble. Malt broke up with his High School sweetheart in late 2000. He is also most likely responsible for the current global recession, due to his post-graduate meltdown in 2008 when he sadly realized he wasn’t good for much except for playing Rock Band.
Rumors of the Downowitz family curse caught the attention of Historians at the Oxford school of Historianization. They found traces of the Downowitz’s lineage to the Crisis of the Third Century (an early hint of the Roman Empire’s imminent collapse). Said historian Mark Gorvil, “We found a family living in Rome at the time, and they were all pretty sad, I believe the master of the household was named Meurto Downomini.”

I found this on Failblog… but i just had to share it! – Love, Moron

I’m sick and tired of people saying, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Here are a few examples of things that don’t kill you but really weaken you quite a bit…

1) Not Weight Lifting

2) Online scrabble; I have played way to many games of this and have not gotten much better at all. Instead of getting stronger… I have just learned a bunch of 2 letter words and words that start with Q and Z, without learning their definitions. Not only this, I am now the douche that kicks ass at scrabble and makes it not fun.

3) Paper Routes through a Swarm of Bees. That does make you stronger, (unless you’re the boy from the movie my girl – then it does kill you).

Hello Human beings, I think it’s time to tell you about a magazine I recently had the (sarcastic) pleasure to peruse, it’s called Palm Beach Illustrated (just like sports illustrated but replace Sports with Palm Beach) It, like many other frou-frou magazines, is about 90% ads, but I have to say when you get this niche-y, the ads get even more insular and hilarious. This is the ad I would imagine them having in the next few months,

“Only read if you’re extremely wealthy or have really good credit…
Imagine if you will a world where crystal encrusted toilets are common. Imagine if you will, that this toilet is especially difficult to keep up. Even better for you cause you can feel great knowing that you pay someone pennies to clean said toilet and to fix the hangy thing on it occasionally. Buy this toilet from us. We won’t tell you the price unless you call us up and give us an idea of how much money you have (or think you have). Thanks for reading or having this advertisement read to you. -PriceyPoopers.org (fake site).”

And on a related, funnier cause it’s true note, check out this news on John Thain, former head of Merrill Lynch who spent $35,000 on a commode. Linky Link..

Thank you young man for making me feel like middle school, high school, college, and even thinking about grad school was all a waste, once a maroon always a maroon.

This Kid from Singapore, made his own painting application for the iPhone, and it’s actually decent!

I know I’m a week late on this news, but I’m on moron time… see more-on that below.

By the way, another example of moron time would be this. I just found out that a lady spilled McDonald’s coffee on her crotch in 1992. Her name was Stella Liebeck and did you know she was 79 years old when this happened? Also of note, she was wearing cotton sweatpants, which begs the question for her and Plaxico Burress… “Why not just avoid the sweatpants when handling hot or gunny substances.”